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- posted by Walter @ 11:33 AM

 
I have spent six straight hours preparing reviews today. I've got 11 more to go. This is insanity. My eyes are tired, my hands are tired from typing, my brain is KFC. I've had enough for today and have decided to stop and finish the rest on Monday and Tuesday of next week.

What is really demoralizing about this is that many of my team members believe the review process is just a waste of time. Many just want to come in and sign on the dotted line. But the problem is I never know which ones. So I toil on every one of these reviews for hours and for most of the people I feel like all that effort is just a big waste of my time. No wonder I feel like I am making no difference. I go thru the motions to give people something that will help them and they slap me in the face by saying "I don't really have time, I've got a change waiting for me to do, can I just sign it? - would that be easier?" I want to say "yes, it would be easier, but WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME YOU DON'T GIVE A RIP ***BEFORE*** I SPEND HOURS WORKING ON YOU LOUSY REVIEW CAUSE YOU MAY BE SAVING YOURSELF TIME, BUT SIGNING AND LEAVING DOES ***NOTHING*** FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGGGHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG!!!

Give me a gun so I can shoot myself in the foot please.
- posted by Walter @ 4:24 PM

 
Last night I got very lightheaded and had double vision for a few hours. It scared me bad. No more Lamictal. I am still a bit "odd" feeling today, but no more double vision. Ugggh... Went home for lunch to bring Ann and Kent something to eat. Paid them $80 to help them get gas to go back and for moping my floor which Ann did.

I slept ok last night after my vision incident.
- posted by Walter @ 1:33 PM

 
Well, we hammered it out. I will have 27 people. Some already report to me. They are in diverse locations, some in Charlotte, some in Colorado, one in Washington State, Maryland... a few in Pennsylvania, Indiana, Florida, and one in the north part of Vermont.

Still no clear idea on the area of service delivery - which currently is my biggest drag in terms of time and stress. Delivery is where Buffy and I interact. Originally that was supposed to go out of the individual orgs to a new org dedicated to that function. Now that is off. So we may be keeping it. That will be horrible. But at least going from 40 performance reviews to do down to 27 is a start.

Ann is coming today to see some Dale Earnhardt thing. They will be up today and go back tomorrow. She said she'd mop my floors :) I'll give them some money for gas.

I have been lightheaded again in the last few days. I don't know what to attribute it to. I have also been severely depressed. Last night I did not get to sleep till well after 2am. I hit the bed at 10 and just tossed and turned, got up, went back, got up, went back till about 1:30am - last time I remember was 2:20am. This is in spite of downing an Ambien at 10pm when I originally went to bed.

I think I must indeed really be crazy.
- posted by Walter @ 4:57 PM

 
Well, we have a meeting at noon (of all times) to discuss the reorg. I have been notified that I will be one of the MVS managers. So far this is good news - this is one of the technical disciplines that has less problems / calls in the middle of the night. There are currently 4 slots taken in that discipline for managers and there are 128 people which leaves us with 32 a piece if we were to divide it evenly ... this is better than 40, but not much. We might be able to take on another leader but I am not holding my breath. There is a move a foot to not make any manager promotions - so as far as headcount, I may still be in for it.

Also we will still have delivery - at least for now. This is the MAJOR headache of the job and the part that doesn't allow for us to do the proper job with the rest of the duties (it consumes all the time)... this is interfacing with Buffy who we know is never satisfied.

I should know more in about an hour or two.
- posted by Walter @ 11:44 AM

 
You can never get enough of what you don't really need.
- posted by Walter @ 4:27 PM

 
Monday, Monday. Another weekend over with... return to Hell.

Ann called - said they might come up middle of this week for some Dale Ernhardt Jr. thing. I told her I'd give them a free night stay if she'd mop my floors. :)

It was supposed to snow last night and though I did see some blowing around at about 9pm, alas, nothing stayed - this morning it was just cold and cloudy and wet. Not that I am complaining. I'll take cold, coudy and wet over hot, muggy and sunny ANY day. I love the cold weather - I LOVE THE COLD WEATHER - I LOVE THE COLD WEATHER!!
- posted by Walter @ 3:31 PM

 
Well, I lived another day. There was supposed to be snow this morning but all we got is rain. I had taken my laptop home just to be sure in case I couldn't get out this morning so I had to lug it back in.

I got a survey from Toyota. I hate those things - I mean I like to give my opinion, but they never seem to ask the one question I want to tell them about. And this one doesn't give any space for freeform comments. I'll fill it out anyway because I know how frustrating it is to send a survey out and get nothing back.
- posted by Walter @ 9:50 AM

 
I was thinking this morning about how much God loves me and how much He's done for me. How much others have done for me too at the Barnabas Center, David, Odette, etc. I thanked God for my cats. They're wonderful. This morning Mustafa came up to my end of the bed and started tapping his paw on my cheek. When I woke up he started rubbing against me. Almost like he was trying to talk to me. He kept tapping his paw till I began to pet him and rub his belly. He was purring so loud I think he woke the neighborhood.
- posted by Walter @ 8:37 AM

 
Was here till after 7pm last night working on reviews. I would say I'm about 60-65% done now. Buffy still out of the office.
- posted by Walter @ 8:34 AM

 
I finished a few more reviews this morning. Trudging along.
- posted by Walter @ 11:16 AM

 
Buffy is out again. Praise God.
- posted by Walter @ 11:15 AM

 
Well, I made it thru another weekend. Still didn't go to church. I could not get up on Sunday morning. This was mainly because I couldn't sleep when I hit the bed Saturday night. I lie awake utill at least 3am (last time I remember looking). This in spite of taking a whole Klonopin. I could not stop my mind from going, and going, and going - like the energizer bunny. Thinking about work, church, finances, Ann, Wayne, Bobby, Ann's finances, etc.
- posted by Walter @ 9:45 AM

 
God, as I go into another weekend, I pray that I might have your mercy and enough of your grace that I might survive it. The depression is great and it is very painful. Life seems to be of no use. There are times that I feel like ending everything and that I have reached the end of my rope. Please intervene. Intervene in my job situation. Intervene in my church situation. Intervene in Bobby's prison situation. Get involved God and make something happen. This is my prayer as I leave for the weekend.
- posted by Walter @ 4:32 PM

 
Saw this on a blog - interesting suggestions...

Staying motivated for your day job
In response to my post about entrepreneurial moonlighting, Alicia at Twilight Cafe asked:

...how does one deal with the loss of interest in the day job when starting out on this new moonlighting adventure? Is there a trick to continuing to perform at peak potential in the job you are hoping to leave one day?

Great question. I don't have a nice tidy answer for that one - my guess is that it will vary from person to person, and from job to job. Off the top of my head, here are a few ideas. I would love to hear ideas from the rest of you as well.

• Ask yourself, "what motivates me?" Try to build more of that into your work. For example, if you're super-competitive, how could you use that to help you stay motivated?
• Take stock in your current job. What are the positive aspects? Try being aware of those things as your days unfold and focus on them. Look for opportunities to bring more of what you enjoy into your day to day.
• Make your work relevant to your new business. Look for opportunities to gain experience that you might be able to apply to your new venture. Try making a list of the "R&D" opportunities that might be available to you at your current job, and start pursuing them.
• Find a motivation partner. Maybe someone at work, or someone who works someplace else. Get together for lunch once a week to talk about what's going on in your work, where the motivation is lagging, what you might be able to do. Get an outside perspective.
• Develop goals for yourself. Share them with someone else (e.g., your motivation partner). Plan what you want to accomplish this week. Plan what you want to accomplish today.
• Take a risk at work. Take on a project that is outside your comfort zone. Something that will challenge you. Now is not the time to go into hibernation.
• Vary your routine. Even just a little change in the same ol' same ol' can sometimes make a difference.
• Remember that you're not superhuman. Give yourself permission to have some down time as well. You've got to keep that well filled.

That's it off the top of my head. I would love to hear others' suggestions!

- posted by Walter @ 11:48 AM

 
This is the author's website: http://www.juliejansen.net/

Read some of it last night - very concise guide to finding your interests, attitudes, values, etc and trying to match them up with work that aligns. Gonna spend some more time with it this weekend.
- posted by Walter @ 11:20 AM

 
Still working on performance reviews - got about 55% done so far. Due 2/27. It is so hard to get motivated to do these. Such a pain in the butt.

Listening to the EDS earnings call - uggghh
- posted by Walter @ 11:16 AM

 
Still no call back from Bwana. Guess DR was right - Bwana don't care. Long since forgotten. Guess he figures "gee, if I make one try, I'm off the hook and can go back to being a CEO again"
- posted by Walter @ 10:43 AM

 
I was a little hung over this morning - took a melatonin to try to get to sleep last night - just 1mg but I guess with the K I take for restless legs it left me a little sleepy this morning - fine now though. It has been a lot better around here with Buffy on the road and out of this building.

We did our earnings yesterday - a loss - cause we wrote down about $500 million for NMCI which still isn't making money. What a mess.
- posted by Walter @ 10:42 AM

 
Just went outside for a little break - nice and cold out there - 37 degrees !! Whoo Hooo - I LOVE IT. I hope Heaven is cold and overcast - I just love it. Must sit out some this weekend to get my fill - won't be long till summer will be coming with the heat, and noise.
- posted by Walter @ 2:55 PM

 
I feel some better today. I got a good dinner last night and went to bed at 8pm. Actually slept thru the night. First time in a long time. Maybe I should stay up till 2am more often.?.?.?
- posted by Walter @ 2:28 PM

 
Well, time for me to go home I guess. I didn't get off to sleep till after 2am this morning. Gonna go home and sleep.
- posted by Walter @ 5:01 PM

 
Doreen Camp just came in and said "are you ok?" .. "Why?", I asked. "Because you look exhausted - your eyes are red and you just look worn out." "Situation normal", I replied.

I am so tired of this job and the crap. I am still praying for a positive change some how some way. I went out at about 2:30pm and just sat a while on the bench over by the side of the building and breathed in the cool crisp air. I am really beginning to believe (at least it's hard not to believe) that my life will pass unlived... unlived the way it was intended. I feel stuck. I feel stuck as far as StoneHenge goes, stuck as far as depression goes, stuck financially, stuck relationally. Though I wouldn't subscribe to what its message is, my life kinda feels like the title to that play by Sarte, "No Exit".
- posted by Walter @ 5:01 PM

 


create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide


I've been to these states (the ones in red).

- posted by Walter @ 3:19 PM

 
Buffy is out again - traveling - spreading his misery on fresh meat.
- posted by Walter @ 12:49 PM

 
Continue to while away the days doing performance reviews - about half completed. Then in March I get to deliver them all. Pain... pain... pain. I can feel the pain already.
- posted by Walter @ 12:49 PM

 
No call from Bwana. Bwana no need me. Bwana long since forgotten. I read a chapter in "Subtile Power of Spiritual Abuse" about how to decide whether to leave and I am pretty convinced that I must leave.
- posted by Walter @ 11:10 AM

 
Buffy is back in the saddle. Accusing, bullying and otherwise raising cain. The goof really needs to get a life. What a small small man.
- posted by Walter @ 11:08 AM